Hey fork, you are disabled.


You know how 70% of planet earth is made out of water? Well, I’m made of 70% hunger tissue. My Bermuda Triangle of a stomach has made a name for it self; The Machine. There are several reasons why I have honored my stomach with such a majestical status. 1) Its passion for meals – in particular nachos, will always remain the same or above, in the event of eating the same meal for days, like a true warrior. 2) It lives by the rules of Joey Tribbiani such as if the fridge is broke you eat everything and do NOT share food! 3) It doesn’t have a humane limit to food.

Life with The Machine has lead to great dining experiences, however in one particular restaurant I had to put the fork on hold due to a sudden situation that deserved a moments rant. As my fork took direction towards the plate I noticed that it oddly had three stabby sticks in the end of its one metal leg. Don’t all forks have 4 tines? Think about it. If you Google pictures of forks they all have 4 tines. It just looked like it had special needs or something. Who decided that a fork should have 4 tines in the first place?! It’s like changing The Lion King to The King of Lions. It’s less cool, and there’s just no point!