What happens when a homeless man, his cat, and a drunk handicapped man argue?

Arguments are a peculiar thing when it’s witnessed from the eye of someone outside the angry fracture between the two argumenteers. In some cases they can lead to an agreement like the ‘waking up dead’ argument in scary movie 3 does, or it can become ever long like the ‘we were on a break’ argument between Ross and Rachel. A while ago I witnessed one of these Ross and Rachel arguments were you cannot help your giggles evolving even though they go on and on arguing.

Having taken the weight of my rubbershoes concealed feet, my arse was planking on an un-inviting disordered bench at Angel Tube station. Since my guilty pleasure is to watch cat videos on YouTube, (because I find cats as hilarious as Will Ferrel’s mouth) I quickly noticed that the homeless man outside the tube had a pet cat, and I treated the fact that he had a cat with gallant attention. Unlike others.

Suddenly this handicapped drunk rolled past me in his wheelchair like the speed of Charlie Sheen running in a marathon where the ending line is a made of coke. I could taste the scent of spirits galore on my lips as he passed me and headed straight for this poor homeless man. Out of his mouth he assembled a fierce oral diarrhea and busted it towards the homeless man. I quickly caught up, and putting his words into sense, he was raging about animal rights, while letting us all know that this homeless man is guilty of using his cat as a tool to beg for money. It’s not like it’s a wild panda he’s forced into captivity. When the homeless man told the drunk handicapped man to leave him and his cat alone, the whole situation upraised to the level of the awkwardness a Christmas dinner with Hannibal Lector and the Clarice would peak. The drunk handicapped man started rolling his wheel chair back and forth on the homeless man’s blanket while screaming out an abusive combination of words. This led to the cat feeling uncomfortable and it started meow-ing, which pushed the homeless man over the edge. Since you can’t really hit a handicapped man, he disappeared behind the walls of the tube, and came out with two police men, telling them take care of this drunk handicapped man who’s abusing him and his cat both verbally and with the force of his wheels. This pushed the drunk handicapped man over the edge, and he started wheeling and threatening the homeless man even more, until the police had to roll him away and cuff him up. I was sat there thinking… I don’t even know why I’m sitting here. Fate probably put me here, so I could enjoy this glorious random moment.


They didn’t find Loch Ness, put they found a way help you hold your pee

Rumors spread from the lips of one human to another can be rather interesting if they turn out to be unexpectedly true. When they’re not – and you hoped they would be, the feeling of disappointment takes me back to when my sister shamelessly ripped off the beard of Santa in front of my 9 year-old sore eyes. Just like when the news claimed a lion had broken loose in Essex, and it turned out to be a cat. What douche can’t tell the difference between a giant jungle cat and fluff-ball with eyes like the moon. I sometimes speak louder to blind people, but I’m pretty sure if Simba and Puss in Boots stood next to each other I’d be quite successful in singing ‘Hakuna Matata’ to the right one.

This week I gained possible intellect when a heard a particular rumor. It was one of them rumors that instantly puts your mind in a glorious wondering play. Not one of those, ‘Lady Gaga has got a dick’ or ‘Loch Ness has been found’ on-going rumors that keeps coming back like herpes stapled to a boomerang thrown by Steve Irwin. (Double-effect. Boom.)

No, it was one of them rumors you actually desire to be true. So here it is – Bananas help you hold your pee. Who would have ever known?! So that is my next project now. I will simply drink oceans until I feel an uncomfortable urge to let the water works run – then forcefully prison my pee while awkwardly eating a banana, and letting it digest in my cave of a stomach. We should all add a loaded banana to our bags and pockets – let’s be honest, we all hate when we get stuck in a situation where there’s nowhere to pee. Bring it to weddings, the cinema, lectures with no breaks; even strap it to your bikini when swimming. Extremely useful!

Try it for yourself.