They didn’t find Loch Ness, put they found a way help you hold your pee

Rumors spread from the lips of one human to another can be rather interesting if they turn out to be unexpectedly true. When they’re not – and you hoped they would be, the feeling of disappointment takes me back to when my sister shamelessly ripped off the beard of Santa in front of my 9 year-old sore eyes. Just like when the news claimed a lion had broken loose in Essex, and it turned out to be a cat. What douche can’t tell the difference between a giant jungle cat and fluff-ball with eyes like the moon. I sometimes speak louder to blind people, but I’m pretty sure if Simba and Puss in Boots stood next to each other I’d be quite successful in singing ‘Hakuna Matata’ to the right one.

This week I gained possible intellect when a heard a particular rumor. It was one of them rumors that instantly puts your mind in a glorious wondering play. Not one of those, ‘Lady Gaga has got a dick’ or ‘Loch Ness has been found’ on-going rumors that keeps coming back like herpes stapled to a boomerang thrown by Steve Irwin. (Double-effect. Boom.)

No, it was one of them rumors you actually desire to be true. So here it is – Bananas help you hold your pee. Who would have ever known?! So that is my next project now. I will simply drink oceans until I feel an uncomfortable urge to let the water works run – then forcefully prison my pee while awkwardly eating a banana, and letting it digest in my cave of a stomach. We should all add a loaded banana to our bags and pockets – let’s be honest, we all hate when we get stuck in a situation where there’s nowhere to pee. Bring it to weddings, the cinema, lectures with no breaks; even strap it to your bikini when swimming. Extremely useful!

Try it for yourself.


Birds, eyeballs and the devil rain

When the case of me going to town arises, I always wander along the river Thames, and it is always an adventure in the league of Bilbo Baggins’s adventures. I’ve witnessed lots of action both in the air, water and ground walking along that river. One night bats were scattering around. Another day I saw this weird penguin looking bird disappearing under water for a period long enough to have swam to the Titanic – flicked Jack on the nose, and then swam back again. In a staring gaze I investigated it on its return. Who knows – maybe I had just discovered a weird fish-bird which would make up for no one ever finding Loch Ness. Happenings on the ground are ruled by the water rats. I’ve seen a rat eat a banana, I’ve even seen a rat climb a tree. When did rats start climbing trees?! They climb in that ninja way that squirrels do. I’m honored to have witnessed that.

On a wander the other day though, one particular question raised in my bubble of a brain. It was raining, and as I looked up in the sky I noticed a good amount birds flying around in the drizzle of raindrops. I wondered; how do they fly to a destination successfully when they have rain bashing into their eyes every half a second? I assume even Harry Potter throws on a pair of goggles in a rainy game of quidditch. But these birds, they just speed away through wet drops directly pointed at their eyeballs. Without blinking all the time to avoid eyeball rape, how do they fly to the direction they had planned to? How do they prevent sky-high bird stew from happening? You know sometimes when you are “fat slobbing” on the couch, abruptly shocked because a bird flew into your window, well it’s not because they can’t see the damn glass, the rain kept getting in to their eyes, causing them to lose their sense of direction! Poor birds and their eyeballs.

The mystery of bruises. Unsovled.

The genes of my family have proven to create extremely pale-skinned human beings. Life of a no-sun-tan individual has its advantages such as… That’s right, nothing. Even a taco shell achieves a higher bronze level in the sun than I do. Other than tanning like a lobster 2 minutes before the egg clock rings, the second unfavorable position pale genes puts me through, is the fact that I bruise like a peach left in a college room during a drowsy hour. (I imagine a peach left with college student tends to have a soggy formation leading them to bruise to a more extreme effect). In a reckless boozing adventure last Thursday, I slipped off the couch where I was busting ‘4 cocktails and 2 beers moves’. In the tragic attempt to slide down off the couch graciously, I smacked down, knees first to the floor. Like a boss.

The day after I found the evidence of my clumsy crime; my knees had transformed to bruise galore. It’s not like I fell down from Mount Everest, it was only a standard leather couch. Still, the state of my pale knees looked like a catastrophic fail of a ghosts attempt to tattoo the ocean on itself. Blue as f’ck they were. On the second day my bruises were in an even worse condition, it felt as Fat Joe had done a gig on my knee shells. While feeling sorry for myself I looked at my knees and wondered; how come bruises are blue, purple and yellow? What is it in the skin tissue that caused my knees to look like the knees of pornstar after a 14 hour shift? Are bruises just for humans or would a fish for example leave a colorful bruise if you punched it? Or can a duck bruise its beak by smashing it into another ducks beak? Cause if I can get a bruise under my nail, do the color of bruises have anything to do with my skin? I just don’t get it.